9:04am

9:04am.

I rolled into the office bypassing all the drones hoping to wish me a good morning and compliment me on my recent haircut. Their intent; however, was not to laud my personal hygiene, but to make me aware of the fact that they had noticed something different about my appearance hoping to boost their own personal satisfaction that they have reached out and made a foreign soul feel somewhat significant. God I hate them. I quickly clock in taking delight in having exploited my employer’s five minute grace period at the beginning of the work day once more. Another cycle at this draconian dystopia has begun. I log into my various work platforms taking notice of the images of the company’s apotheostic founder and CEO encouraging us to conform to various corporate sentiments; the most contemptible of which is to “Think outside the box” when my workspace is confined to a box, (or “cubical” as they call it).

I do not want to give the impression that I am in anyway dissatisfied with my current situation in life, I rather enjoy my job. I get paid for a full day’s work when in actuality my assignments only take a fraction of that time. I have mastered my duties and can do in thirty minutes what would take a thousand monkeys on a thousand laptops a thousand years; with which, by the way, I am surrounded. Not wanting to seem unoccupied and thereby unnecessary, I divide my three main tasks to be completed at different times of the day. As a database administrator I am responsible for inessential database merging, superfluous code parsing, and altruistic data mining. Despite my efforts to prolong my efforts, I find myself occupied with surfing the internet; searching for various bits of information to keep my mind from atrophying. From looking for travel deals on aa.com to being redirected to the Nissan website at z.com, I tirelessly quest for that which I have not seen or experienced.

10:33am.

I have reached the end of the internet. Staring down the precipice of the edge of the info-space, I half-chuckle to myself as I reflect upon the billions of websites I have viewed and how similar the situation is to cable TV where there are two-hundred and fifty channels but nothing interesting to watch. Reluctantly, I take notice of the time longing for it to be lunch when times seems to move faster, albeit my attention somewhat preoccupied. But I cannot concern myself with that now as it will only make me hungry and exacerbate my impatience. I long for something sweet. So as not to spoil my appetite, perhaps some type of confection that will serve to distract my thoughts and to assuage my hunger for one more hour. The anxiety of the moment forces me to begin my second assignment ahead of schedule with a vain hope that some variant job might present itself later in the day to occupy my time.

11:15am.

Still a bit too early to mention lunch to my fellow worker bees; I do not want them to think I cannot control my hunger and therefore consider my corpulence. I scour the various internet news providers hoping for some tragedy somewhere or another professional athlete’s arrest. Being a slow news day, I regrettably read updates on the latest reality shows and the current libidinous affairs in Hollywood. Sacrificing my well-being and flirting with self-effectuated mental retardation, I scour the gossip for topics that might spur a conversation within the hive. Hearing the chair of a nearby neighbor’s cube roll out and followed by footsteps, I quickly switch screens back to my work terminal to perpetuate my continual working exhibition. I have been able to secure for myself a higher position than those in my immediate vicinity and as the inter-office hierarchy dictates, those who are “below” me do more work for less pay; therefore, although they understand this concept, it still would not be beneficial to allow my subordinates to see behind the curtain. Therefore, maintaining the illusion is necessary to the proper functioning of the colony. Two pair of footsteps cease behind me and recognizing the voices, I pretend to be preoccupied with work and fain random keystrokes to uphold my charade. The nuisance comes from two of the most droll and annoying wet-blankets on the entire floor and although I am initially perturbed by their proximal conversation, I acknowledge that their intercourse is no more harmful to my mental stability than searching the tabloids. Sigh. I turn my chair and engage.

1:32pm.

Finished with lunch, I clean off my desk and continue my ritual internet perusing secretly longing for some news making event to have taken place during my hour absence such as a political scandal or a natural disaster. To my delight, I find an engaging story on a local newspaper website outlining the details of certain police activities over the weekend near my home. Outraged by this egregious attempt by the local authorities to circumvent several amendments and recent Supreme Court decisions, I immediately write a reply explaining my viewpoint. Thoroughly distracted, I take satisfaction knowing that I have meticulously debunked the writer's story while writing in such a tone to encourage others to argue my seemingly intransigent viewpoints; thus occupying my time for the next few hours. As I wait for the responses, I realize that I have managed to stave off the conclusion of my assigned responsibilities until the afternoon, and so I begin task number three faute de mieux.

3:33pm.

The insulin rush that followed my carb-heavy lunch has subsided and my awareness has slowly returned. To flush the fluid from my knees and get in some exercise, I decide a walk outside the building would be quite salubrious, if not for my mental health as well. I make my way through the corporate maze and extend salutations to the disparate hoard as if my artificial cheerfulness is anything more than a bagatelle to them. Stepping outside and squinting my eyes, I longed for my sunglasses and consign to bring them next time if ever I decide to take a walk again. I walk past the handful of smokers and try to hold my breath until I have escaped the haze all that much more grateful to breath deep the fresh city air. I cannot help but smile at the realization that I have just considered the city’s air to be fresh.

4:54pm.

As for the local website, I have taken on all those who opposed me with their naive notions and overpowered their foolishness with logic, resourcefulness, and le mot juste. Victorious, I end the debate and return to the hive to check the clock. I yearn for the conclusion of the day. I yearn to go home and relax in front of my TV. I yearn for an early bedtime. This is my life; and yet, I am happy?