"Well I suppose if I'm supposed to tell you the truth I ought to start from the beginning. But the beginning is a tricky thing to pinpoint because the beginning of the beginning is just as important as the ending of the beginning. If I had to pick the beginning beginning, the beginning, and the ending beginning I reckon I would call them phases. And I would name these phases the hubris, the heist, and the hamartia. You see the hamartia is directly tied to the hubris which is a result of the former, but being as important as the first it led to the heist which is the last but not necessarily in that order. Because if it weren't for the hubris the heist would not have occurred. But since the heist is why you think I am here I'm sure that is what you want to hear about. But I don't necessarily agree that the heist is the reason I am sitting in this chair in this damp room. I think it was the harmartia which ultimately led to my downfall having been ultimately manifested post-heist but really initiating the cyclical logic vortex in which we currently find ourselves.
"You seem confused. Let me light this butt while you contemplate.
"Ah yes, that's better.
"You see, I'm the first born. I carry the banner of my family's name and honor. I'm the son of the first born son to my grandparents. And just as I carry the flame so did my father, albeit much more successfully; obviously. As the first born you get treated with with kid's gloves quite literally and figuratively. All of the successive brothers, sisters, and cousins had to meet the standards that were set by me. I was the high water mark of the new generation. I learned to talk earlier than the rest. I learned to walk earliest. I had the best grades, was more successful in sports, and was the first to graduate college. And I wore the badge of my family's honor well. I never developed a superiority complex. I didn't lord my successes over the others.
"We once went on a family vacation to Miami. One night we were driving back to the hotel from dinner and got lost in the bad section of town. My parents and siblings were frightened. However I was able to rise up and successfully navigate ourselves as my dad drove quickly and safely back to our destination; all while only eight years old and having never been there before.
"Within my family my name became synonymous with awesome or omniscient. I was by any measurement the family prodigy. The archetypal son. I often imagined that the National Institute of Standards and Technology had been looking for me in order to properly measure the perfect child.
"Eventually these standards made their way into my adult life and goals and dreams were fashioned in such a way that my edge would not be lost. I would have to score the big job first, get the advanced degree first, and make a million dollars first. And as I met the goals and exceeded my standards the pride that as a child I had been able to suppress began to develop. All of a sudden without the close ties to the family to keep me grounded in humility I became conceited and haughty. Those feelings manifested themselves in my relationships. I often tell people that I've dumped hotter women than they'll ever talk to. I am a consummate male chauvinist. I broke the century mark with women by the time I was 25. It was a special occasion too because I had been keeping track. And counting down from 90 on was quite exciting. In those days I developed a certain set of predatory skills that to this day help in other area of my life. Now when I see something I can more quickly decide the set of circumstances that will lead to the accomplishment of the objective. In fact the speed at which I am able to formulate the plan gives me a sense of pride. I am constantly computing the odds at which I can achieve a certain set of outcomes. This conversation in fact is all going according to a plan I devised months ago.
"Sorry. Excuse me. I digress.
"You see the confidence that I was instilled with in childhood led to hubris in adulthood. This became the tragic flaw that was constantly destroying my relationships with others, (not just women) and motivated me to seek more perfection which led back to pride. As you can imagine this labyrinthine paradigm is difficult from which to escape. You need relationships to remind you of your flaws but your flaws sabotage your relationships until all you're left with are your flaws. It's like trying to cure a virus by injecting yourself with said virus. It takes a delicate balance of experience and preemption that I have yet to hone.
"So as is so often the case of those with superiority complexes I figured myself to be a problem solver. I had begun operating under the notion that I alone processed the necessary skills to improve other people's lives just as I had done for myself. I began inventing things and processes. I consulted people and companies. And I tried to fashion the world around me according to the standards and guidelines I had determined for myself. And once again the hamartia reared its ugly head and I soon began to punish those who violated the principals of which I had mandated upon them.
"For example I would sneak meat into my vegan girlfriend's diet. I would also become obscene in front of my Christian colleagues. At this one coworker's wedding I became massively drunk and in rebellion to the union I spread a rumor that I had slept with the bride and her two sisters previously. Needless to say I am not generally invited to weddings much anymore.
"But this rebellion soon affected my perception of the laws of the land. Speed limits became obtrusive. Gun laws were communistic. Police, Congress, and the courts were irrational. It was only a matter of time before my sentiment towards people's money was that it was better off taken from the government and held by me. Eventually I thought that I could do a better job managing the money than the allocation process of corrupt politicians. And those problem solving and predatory skills I had developed earlier one day exploded into a state of spiritual disquietude.
"You see federal agencies use a program that checks bids and proposals for legitimacy and legality before awarding contracts to bidding companies. I wanted to be able to alter the criteria for which these bids were vetted in order to steer the awards towards reputable companies and mutually beneficial contracts. The problem I ran into; however, is that it is almost impossible to determine those criteria; much less manipulate. Ironically it is much easier to edit the program to award the contracts to disreputable companies and it wasn't long before I had devised a scheme to open shell companies and award myself the contracts. And being that I am such an obviously better steward of the money it is in everyone's best interests that I manage the money instead of the connected and corrupted companies that normally the country normally conducted its business with. The real genius of the plan came when I figured that the shell companies I formed could award the bad companies the contract they were entitled to under the previous program, but with a higher set of standards and a slight haircut in price. The program had to be discrete and discriminatory. Only those egregious violators of my morals were targeted.
"Simply, the plan worked. The money was flowing, the work was getting done. Less people were being harmed. The software and business plan were able to avoid any internal audits. And I transitioned in thought and motivation from retribution to philanthropy. My justification for the profit was that I was benefiting the citizens of this country through my actions. I was making the world a better place. And I deserved compensation for my effort.
"Had I not readjusted my motivation I would have been able to determine the impending consequences. I eventually believed that when called to task I could defend my decisions and convince people that I was right and my processes were superior to the government's. In fact reminiscing now I think I might have anticipated and welcomed the opportunity to give my operation a voice. You could say that I wanted to get caught in order to expose the corruption in the system and show people what a hero I am for not only whistle-blowing but actually taking steps to correct it. That's right, I'm the hero here. And you should all be thanking me what I've done.
"Sorry. Excuse me. I digress.
"You see in the end the hamartia led to the hubris which led to the heist which led to the hubris and finally the hamartia which is why I am sitting in this chair in this damp room. I hope you understand the steps I've undertaken to get the change underway to expose this underworld and help the underprivileged. Which is not to say with which your witch-hunt is concluded. By which I mean I fully and freely confess to the crimes with which I am being charged and do hereby submit my statement forthwith."
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